Meaningless meanderings

Am writing after almost an year (is it a year or an year?). And a very tumultuous year it has been. I have had roller coaster rides in all facets of life; personal, professional, extracurricular. And here I am at this page again.

Do not worry gentle reader, I am not about to bore you with the gory details of the past year. This is just an observation.

Even as I sit feeling maudlin, one cannot help but wonder whether all the 'tragedies' in my life would classify as such in a relative world. One of my dear friends once said to me, "Your sorrows are all fictional. Many people have so many more things to cry about than you.". That friend, I have to admit is right. Nevertheless, in the grip of melancholia, one tends to get overwhelmed with such issues.

What is even more frightening is that if one pauses to consider options which may drive this sense out of my mind, I do not see even a set of events which would combine to drive this out.

This leads me to the cold logical conclusion ; "The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in your stars, but yourself".

I don't have a solution to this; rather, am relying on the old adage, "This too shall pass".

The one striking thing about the last year is the number of people I have connected and reconnected with. Easily the year in which I have added the greatest number of friends in my life.

Chemistry - Theory and Practical

This musing is not about the field of science called chemistry. Rather it is about the interaction between two people, which for some reason has also come to be called by the same name.

What then causes two people to click together? It could be any of a number of things. One of the first reasons is loneliness. At the end of the day, whether we like it or not, we are all lonely. And while we all learn to deal with that loneliness one way or the other, there come instances when one feels so helpless that one cries and reaches out to grab whatever comes ones way. And if what one gets hold of, holds you firmly and helps you, some chemistry develops. Especially when one is used to being the one who reaches out and steady flailing arms which are reaching out.

Another reason, as a corollary to the previous paragraph is the response to the gratitude shown by the steadied arm. The display of gratitude unfailingly causes a tremendous endorphinic release in the giver of gratis.

Sometimes though, a mere look is enough to start things. Or a chance conversation.

I am probably lucky (or unlucky) enough to have experienced chemistry through all these mechanisms.

Chemistry theory is all fine though. Practical chemistry is far more difficult to handle. Especially with the onset of online communications which build up a set of online relationships which are just as solid and real (don't let anybody tell you its virtual). The major problem with chemistry is that people expect it to be a single bond with one entity only. And a lot of peoply are experiencing that it is just not practical. How do you dismiss this second (real or online) person who thinks the sun shines out of your arse as virtual and regard the spouse or partner who unfailingly brings you down to earth reminding you of your shortcomings (real or imagined) and telling you what an incomplete person you are? And how do you decide which one is the best?

As one gets older, one slowly comes to the conclusion that getting out of what appears to be an unpalatable relationship presently does not necessarily mean you will get into Utopia. Because a relationship bares naked all the strengths and flaws of an individual and the human mind is such that flaws get exaggerated far more than virtues. Getting out of an uncomfortable situation could mean that you are trading one kind of discomfort for another. Which is often more unpalatable.

This debate has no conclusion. Neither does this post.

The Meaning of Life

Been a while since I posted something here. Have generally been occupied with something new that caught my fancy. It still has my fancy but nevertheless today, it does not seem to be enough and my thoughts come back to "Does Life have a meaning?"

One distinguished socio scientist once said "Life is meaningless. And it is meaningless that it is meaningless."

These words, though they sound trite, are pretty profound.

For, no matter what theists of whatever religion may say about how we have been born to achieve a greater purpose and our objective should be to attain heaven, or moksha, or nirvaa etc. I have never been able to convince myself of the validity of such a proposition. Personally, I find a lot of things incredible. It is incredible that ours is the only planet which has life. Why is it incredible? Because the probability of our planet being exclusive in any sense other than cartological coordinates has to be 1 in god knows how many million or even billion. But, I am meandering. The point is that, given that we are such low probability events per se, to ascribe a greater meaning to our existence seems to border on sheer megalomania.

Having said that, I would not accord a value judgement to the statement above. Jean Paul Sartre has summed it up beautifully when he said, "I exist, therefore I am". Wishing it away won't change things. And a lot of us who wish life would end tonight (this probably includes myself at some points in time as well), either lack the courage or the energy to bring this situation to pass (believe you me suicide takes a good amount of both!).

The same socio scientist suggested that this lack of meaning is actually good, because it allows you to give it whatever meaning you choose to. Including the one I choose to give it right now which is, that it is a fact that life has no meaning!!!!

Friends

As we go through life we keep gathering friends. And we keep dropping friends. My experience in the latter has been more a sense of drifting apart rather than particularly stopping communication with somebody.

But the process of making friends has been fascinating. Quite often , the friendship has developed out of an instant 'connect' with the person. This is kind of propels both of us closer towards each other. Sometimes, the relationship develops slowly, getting ever deeper as time goes by. Yet other times, a good acquaintance suddenly develops into a deep friendship in a flash. I have had the intense pleasure of seeing all these types of relationships develop with my friends.

I wonder what people seek in any friendship. A lot of my friends have given me a lot without getting anywhere the same kind of reciprocation. Equally I have some friends whom I have given a lot to without getting or expecting any kind of reciprocation. There are also those with whom the give and take continues ceaselessly.

However, the one constant with all friends is that sense of timelessness, of never having lost the thread, of seamlessly continuing from where one had left off.

I think that old internet forward about the guy who swaps pieces of his heart with his friends aptly sums up the relationships I have with mine. All my friends have a piece of my heart and I have one of theirs.

I am truly grateful to all my friends for contributing so richly to my life. I would be incomplete without any of them.

Connects

Everybody has both good times and bad times. Yet it strikes me that the bad times stand out more than the good. This is not to say that for me, times have been more bad than good. Quite the converse in fact. Yet, I seem to have fewer truly memorable good times than I do bad times.

It is a well known fact, especially to people who punt around in the stock markets, that when you lose a little money, it hurts a lot more than making a pile of money makes you feel good.

So is the case with the losing of relationships. Most relationships that is. It is perhaps better at this stage to specify that the word relationship is neither being used as an agglomeration of kinships (family, cousins, etc.) nor as an amorous relationship. Rather it is being used more generically to encompass any sort of connect. This concept of connect is fairly strange. Sometimes people connect in just a fleeting moment. Sometimes, connections are discovered as having evolved over a period of time. To define a connect is not easy. The simplest description perhaps is that if you meet or talk to this person after long intervals, the intervals are irrelevant. These relationships are beautiful in terms of the comfort they offer. And losing such connects is very very disappointing. The sense of loss is not so hard in the sense of making one grieve (like a break up), rather a small dull ache at the back of one's mind, mildly irritating in general to just irritating at its maximum.

For me, this irritation is truly boring because I remember almost all relationships by the good times that one had during such relationships and yearn for them to reconnect again.

Maybe some of them will.

Is a miss as good as a mile?

Recently, my daughter appeared for a couple of competitive examinations. While she did really well, it still looks doubtful whether she will make the cut off for an institute of her choice. This brought to mind an internal debate which has really been with me since childhood.

Is it better to be far away from any dividing line than to just miss by the proverbial whisker. The sense of agony in this situation is sooo much higher as to be unbearable. This is applicable to a losing finalist as well perhaps.

Having been there often enough (the wrong side of the dividing line), I know perhaps more than a lot others how keen the sense of hurt or deprivation is. It does not matter what the lacuna is, be it your own fault, sheer cussed luck, or the other people are simply better than you.

I have also seen people close to me give up trying simply because they cannot bear to be on the wrong side of the line. That did not prevent them from feeling lousy.

I guess it can be best summed up in Charlie Brown's words ; "It does not matter whether you win or you lose.... until you lose!"

The Power of Positive Stroking

One of the few key things I learned in the course of my (too) long career is the power of positive stroking. On more than one occassion, I have been praised for something simple that I have done. The funny part was that, inspite of my knowing that all the positive feedback bestowed on me was far in excess of not only the effort I put in generating what I did, but also the value of the deliverable per se, I ended up walking away with a feeling of incredible warmth in the cockles of my heart.

Cynic that I am, it did not prevent me from questioning the motives of the stroker. However the feeling of warmth still remained.

For me, the lessons from this exercise were twofold viz. Positive stroking works with the smartest of people and secondly, BEWARE of positive stroking.