Is a miss as good as a mile?

Recently, my daughter appeared for a couple of competitive examinations. While she did really well, it still looks doubtful whether she will make the cut off for an institute of her choice. This brought to mind an internal debate which has really been with me since childhood.

Is it better to be far away from any dividing line than to just miss by the proverbial whisker. The sense of agony in this situation is sooo much higher as to be unbearable. This is applicable to a losing finalist as well perhaps.

Having been there often enough (the wrong side of the dividing line), I know perhaps more than a lot others how keen the sense of hurt or deprivation is. It does not matter what the lacuna is, be it your own fault, sheer cussed luck, or the other people are simply better than you.

I have also seen people close to me give up trying simply because they cannot bear to be on the wrong side of the line. That did not prevent them from feeling lousy.

I guess it can be best summed up in Charlie Brown's words ; "It does not matter whether you win or you lose.... until you lose!"

The Power of Positive Stroking

One of the few key things I learned in the course of my (too) long career is the power of positive stroking. On more than one occassion, I have been praised for something simple that I have done. The funny part was that, inspite of my knowing that all the positive feedback bestowed on me was far in excess of not only the effort I put in generating what I did, but also the value of the deliverable per se, I ended up walking away with a feeling of incredible warmth in the cockles of my heart.

Cynic that I am, it did not prevent me from questioning the motives of the stroker. However the feeling of warmth still remained.

For me, the lessons from this exercise were twofold viz. Positive stroking works with the smartest of people and secondly, BEWARE of positive stroking.

Anger

How many of us have experienced white flashes of anger which make us want to strike out at the nearest thing available with no regard for sensibilities or consequences? A feeling that is always hovering around, preventing us from doing anything else?

A lot of people believe that such situations are best avoided for our own good as such fits are indeed defocusing and debilitating. While I would agree with this belief at large, one would acknowledge that notwithstanding all ones care, such situations do come to pass. What then should one do in those circumstances?

People say yoga because it helps calm us down and allow us to think calmly. I tend to disagree. I believe that if (and this is a caveat) such anger is caused by extreme provocation, it has to be channeled and used in order to neutralise the same.

I firmly believe in the adage "Don't just get mad, get even." In order to ensure that this objective is met, I will nurture the anger, ensure it does not die out. This will enable me to meet my objective with a passion which is often necessary to make things happen.

The Ironies of Depression

Going through a depression is not perhaps the best thing that could happen to anybody. It perhaps affects different people differently. For me it manifests itself in some sort of scream in my head urging me alternately to feel terribly sorry for myself and to lash out at whatever seems at hand. Reflecting on interactions with friends who have been through such experiences would seem to suggest they feel similarly.



It is often said that one of the best ways to pull oneself out of a depression is to talk about it and take it out. However, this is far easier said than done. Depression would arise from a sense of dissatisfaction with the world and an inadequacy to deal with the cause of such dissatisfaction. How does one tell anybody about such inadequacy then? If you tell your friends, you worry that they will think less of you (most friends wouldn't, but that is not the point). If you tell a professional, that is tantamount to admitting to the whole world that something is wrong with you (something is, but that is not the point either).



Another reason for not talking about depression is the cynical view that talking about it is not going to change things and make the cause of the depression vanish. This is partially true; in fact, this is so in most cases. In a few rare instances, depression is brought about by misunderstandings. I know one instance of somebody going into depression because she was told by her lover that her beauty was not the reason he loved her. It took him a while to get her out of that depression. Superficially, it seems surprising because everyone wants to be loved for more than their physical attributes which are transient (botox, liposuction, and all other tools notwithstanding). Nevertheless, it can be horrifyingly real and yours truly too has had minor fits because some such trivia was overlooked.



Another characteristic of depressions seem to be mood swings. There are times when one gets elevated out of such a sense only to return not only more determinedly, but also deeper into a state of depression. This sensation is almost like receiving an enema (currently called "colon hydrotherapy"). The pressure seems to build and build till it becomes almost unbearable and then suddenly it subsides. Only to build up again (and harder) as another part of the intestine fills up with water.. till it can fill a third segment.



The enema is actually a good way to rationalise the framework for talking out. Releasing the water has a tremendous cathartic effect (without any pun here really). The after effects of such catharsis are truly beneficial. As a useless aside, one of the most avid practitioners of the enema was Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (why can I not call him Mahatma?). However, if the water is not let out, the intestine could could burst and cause the person a lot of damage.


This rambling is partially a rattle to everybody (myself included) to take out the angst from your mind before it blows it up. Partially it is also part of the process of catharsis. And having said that, writing and/ or talking about such things do not change them. Action is needed. This just acts to lower the requirements for the energy of activation (is the chemical term surfactant?).